His Dark Sutra: Express Love (a poem)
Express your love
as if your life blood
or the flood
of feelings coursing through your heart chakra depended upon it.
as if the glide
towards that which drives
you in will cause a reverberating shock, a landslide
of feelings that fill Mother Earth.
Phone a friend, or better yet, send some real love
by visiting the loved one
to tell them they mean enough
for you to come,
Tell your heart to let them in.
Find a mirror, do it right now and tell her (or him) you love her (or him)
in a resonating voice loud enough
For the mirror to shake
and the ground to vibrate
For that gift of love to send shock waves and resonate.
Do it now, slay the demons that would have you wait.
Express love in your breath
In every step
In the nuances of every body action and facial cue
Find people who deserve love and project your voice to proclaim,
“I love you.”
Saturday Morning “Insight”
Husband and Son A just returned from the eye doctor.
Son A is as blind as a bat!
I wonder if the fact that he can’t see has been stressing him out at school. (Duh.)
Why do my eyes start to well up with tears when I read this?
When it comes right down to it…
I’ve made most of the major decisions in my life based on faulty reasoning.
Irresponsible reasoning, to be more precise.
That’s why I often feel so guilty about the way things have turned out.
It’s not like I want to die.
But I’ve had some selfish fantasies today that made me think it would be a whole lot easier not to have to live.
Self-indulgent narcissism is all it is.
I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning.
"Oh, There’s Your Face Again…"
"I have never hearted it, nor anything you’ve ever posted and, frankly, I’m just tired of seeing you here." *Unfollows*
(What I imagine must have been the internal monologue of my most recent unfollower.)
Addicted to Benzos?
I am anxious, and I have been this way my entire life.
When I was in graduate school, I started having panic attacks. They would come and go throughout the years after that, and when someone finally suggested I see a psychiatrist and start taking medication, I balked.
"What if I get addicted?" I thought. "What if my reliance on medication makes me feel like I can’t control my life without it?"
At the time, the suggested medication was Paxil. I read about it on the (fledgling) Internet - this was in the mid-90s - and seeing all of the negative feedback, I decided not to take it.
I’ve been in therapy many times throughout the past 20 or so years. I never really felt like it helped much. Maybe because I couldn’t open myself up enough.
After I had the babies, I was anxious and depressed, so my OB prescribed Zoloft. It’s kind of a starter drug. I took it for a long while, upping the dosage over the years. It didn’t seem to help.
I was starting to feel hopeless.
Then, when I had the “very bad year” I tried Wellbutrin. It made me more anxious and I lost too much weight. I was ready to give up.
As the “very bad year” became much worse, I was desperate to try something new.
My psychiatrist suggested Celexa. And because it would take at least 4-6 weeks to begin working, she also prescribed Ativan, which would provide immediately relief. She warned me about taking it too often because I could become addicted to it.
Lorazepam (generic for Ativan) was a miracle for me. I take a small dose (.5 mg) every day in addition to 20 mg. Citalopram (generic for Celexa).
And people still warn me about becoming addicted. I also take .25 mg of Xanax to help me sleep at night. Those same people have expressed their concerns about that and have urged me to try something else, like Melatonin.
But here’s my question: If I have found a medication which - in small dosages - helps me to feel calmer and to lead a life that’s more manageable in terms of stress, why should I feel like I should eventually “get off” the drugs?
This is a borrowed argument, but if someone has high blood pressure, would you suggest they stop taking Lipitor? And that’s just one example. I’m not abusing the medication I take; I know exactly the right dosage for me, and I take no more than what is listed on the prescription.
I’ve often thought that Son A could benefit from a drug like Lorazepam. We’re still testing out the Citalopram, scaling up the dosage, but what if that doesn’t work?
Am I a bad parent because I’m thinking about giving a potentially addictive drug to my child? Of course, I wouldn’t do anything without the recommendation of a doctor, but I can almost feel the judgment weighing down upon me.
Anyway, this has been on my mind lately.
Guess I’m still sharing my truths after all.
I’m so tired of writing about the same old truths.
And you must be tired of reading about them.